The unmarried 30

My name is Maryanne James, I am a 32 years old, I live in Ogudu and I work with one of the big banks in Nigeria. For the most part of my life, I have been very independent. I never liked to depend or ask anything of anyone. I always wanted to get through things myself and have it my own way.

I remember one particular incident during my growing up days, I was given a homework to make a table cloth in my Home-economics class. Despite the fact that my mother was a fashion designer and she had offered to help and teach me how to go about it, I insisted that she didn’t have to worry and I could get it done all by myself. As I entered into my room I could hear my mum scream behind me ‘whatever you do, make sure you don’t pierce your hand with the needle’. Ignoring the commanding voice I went in to begin my homework, funny thing was that I wasn’t afraid of anything, I just knew I could pull this off on my own. It wasn’t long soon as I started sewing that I let out a loud scream, I had pierced my middle finger with the needle and the pain I felt was sickening. My mum rushed into the room, picked me up quickly and gave me first aid but not after she had given me the ‘I told you so’ look.

Did I mention that I am from a strong Christian family, I never missed church on Sundays and I wasn’t allowed to keep too many friends. My life was pretty much evolved around parents, church and school. Apart from the few friends I made at school, I spent most of my time alone. During my university days I maintained my alone status, few friends and a lover of my books. I tried as much as I could to be the best and live a life pleasing to my parents. Even though I grew up in a Christian home following rules, I never really found Christ for myself. Because I was an only child, the attention and focus was choking but i was a very patience child because I soon grew up to adjust and bear all the choking attention.

I had my life planned out, I would be out of university at the age of 23, done with masters at 25 and married at 26. It was an absolutely perfect plan, all I had to do was do everything I could to bring my plans to fulfillment.

But unfortunately here I was sitting alone in my living room, January 1, 2014, the year and day I clocked 30 and the same year I made all of my life’s mistakes. I had graduated and even gotten my masters degree, all those plans had nicely fallen into place except for the marriage plan of course. Where I come from it is more like a curse for you to be that old and unmarried. The several naggings of my mother definitely proved that. I have had to move out of the house to my own apartment for peace. I remembered the day I got a car, she said to me ‘you are buying a car, that’s just the end, that Is it, you don’t have plans of getting married, you will drive all the men away with your car and you will be left with nothing! Nothing! Nothing! I got married at the age of 25, 25years old Maryanne, what are you waiting for?’ I could feel the frustration in her voice and that was the day I decided to leave the house before she pushes me to the wall.

These times were the worse moments of my life, in church, at work, people would always give me the old and unmarried glance. I felt like the whole world was watching me. I was 30, working, nice home and what more I was a virgin.

So on January 1, 2014 I decided that I was going to get married that year no matter what. I started going out more and putting myself out. One bright day in the month of March, I was at the Ikeja shopping mall when this strong, tall, charming, hot guy walked into the Samsung show room where I had spent the last thirty minutes searching for a new mobile phone. I swallowed my saliva, my head and heart started working together to produce some kind of love chemicals that got me thinking about this man as my perfect match. He was adorable and it seemed that on this particular day fate the world was working hard to make my marriage dream come true. As I made way to the counter to pay for my choice of phone, He was right behind me, as though he wanted to get my attention. Once I was done paying, I looked bad and saw him pay for the Samsung galaxy Pouch he had picked. I made my way slowly out of the show room, when I say slowly, I mean slower than baby steps so that whatever happens, he would catch up with me if he wanted to. As he made his way out, his shoulders brushed mine and my new phone fell, my mind didn’t even go to the phone, I was fascinated by the rush of desire that swam in my body as his shoulders met mine. It was the sound of his deep, sensual voice that brought me back to life ‘I’m sorry about that, here please’. For the first time that day, our eyes locked, we spoke for a few minutes, exchanged blackberry pins and he walked me out of the showroom. Once he was out of sight, I had to find the closest bathroom to physically rejoice and thank the world for working so tirelessly to fulfill my dreams.

All the way home, I was hoping to receive a ping. As much as I hated the vibrations of pings on my phone, I was really looking forward to this one. I was supposed to give my friend Jade the old phone since I got a new Samsung but I begged her to allow me hold on to it for a few days. At exactly 7:00pm, I received a message on my BBM, ‘The exciting thing about meeting and getting to know someone for the first time, is that you never know, they could end up being the one' It’s Jaiye. I replied with a smiley face and the rest as they say is history.

We grew so close and everyday seemed like a dream. My desire was finally coming true, this is the year I get married. When I told my mother about him, she was overjoyed, all she wanted to know was when we were getting married. She had invested so much in other people’s aso ebi that she looked forward to receiving the investment of others as well.

Fast forward to July, our love grew stronger and stronger, I was enjoying the best year of my life. I would move from unmarried 30 to married 30, I couldn’t have been happier. Jaiye had taken me to his house and introduced me to his parents. I remember that day that his parents excused themselves to have a word with him and it seemed heated because I could hear shouts from the distance. But all doubts soon disappeared when we got back into the car and Jaiye said Our introduction was set for August and soon the wedding date will be announced. Jaiye was a real man, he loved me hopelessly, it was like I had his button before I said it, it was done. Ours was truly a story of love at first sight. He was the love of my life and would do anything to keep him close.

There was only one issue though, Jaiye had been talking about us getting intimate. I had kept myself for my one true love and hoped that nothing will break me until the wedding night. I told Jaiye that it is against our Christian values. Funny thing is I was the one very particular about church, Jaiye would only come along once in a while, He wasn’t much of a churchy guy but I loved him and I was ready to wave all that aside, I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to throw my virginity away just yet. At thirty that was all I had going for me. But the more I thought about it, the more willing I became. I could here my mums voice nudging me not to miss this opportunity and get the marriage done as quickly as possible.

A week to our introduction, Jaiye invited me to His friends party which was happening at a club in Ikeja. I told him I didn’t want to go because he knows that I don’t like such gatherings. He said it wasn’t a big deal that it is just the venue for the party and it doesn’t mean much. I agreed and we went to the party at about 7:00pm. I wasn’t feeling very comfortable with the whole setting but I kept calm. Music blaring, people dancing, alcohol oozing, there was only much I could take. When it was 9:00pm I told Jaiye it was time to leave and then he convinced me to stay that he would drop me at home, I had never tasted alcohol until that night but I was sane enough to take just a little and not overdo it.

I have never depended on someone the way I depended on Jaiye. His words and thoughts mattered to me, he became my standard. When it was 11:00pm, Jaiye took me to a room upstairs and asked me to please stay that he would be back soon, since I didn’t like the noise and all. I was very furious and told him my mind, he begged and cuddled me and my worries were over, he held me in such a tight embrace and I felt comfort again, I didn’t want to let go. We stayed glued to each other for minutes and soon his hands began to drop from my back and found its way to other parts of my body. I wanted him to stop but I couldn’t make him stop because I enjoyed every moment of it. Soon we were on the bed, I told him to stop, but he said we would be married in a couple of months, I am the one you would be married to so it doesn’t make any difference and that was the end. In less than twenty minutes we were done, I had lost my virginity and was lying next to my husband to be. I should have been angry but I wasn’t, I loved him so much that even our sins drew me closer to him. I only wanted him to be happy. I felt privileged to have him in my life and I wasn’t going to let him go. He hugged me tight and assured me that it was all going to be okay and so I drifted to sleep in his arms.

The next morning, we were intimate again. I was having more fun than I imagined and I thought to myself he will be my husband so no big deal. Right there beside me he sent a message to my phone saying ‘I will hold your heart more tenderly than my own’. He then whispered in my ears, ‘I am already preparing my wedding vows’ and then I smiled. He dropped me off at home and told me he had to leave for Port Harcourt but would be back in few days. We hugged so tightly that we didn’t want to let each other go. I was going to miss him so much, couldn’t bear the thought of staying days without him.

But Unfortunately, That was the last I heard of Jaiye. Jaiye tore my world apart, I was lost. Thirty years of waiting and wandering have all been wasted. I cried for many weeks, I called but he wouldn’t pick up, I searched everywhere but he was nowhere to be found, people kept lying to me about his whereabouts. For many weeks I couldn’t get a hold of him. Finally, It was Jaiyes sister who was gracious enough to tell me that Jaiye lives in Port Harcourt and is married with three children, that she didn’t even know we were in a relationship because what he told her was that I was a colleague who came with him from Port Harcourt on work duties. My whole life was shattered. I thought of the many things I could do, I thought of going to Port Harcourt but somehow I just knew it wasn’t worth it, I cursed Jaiye, I cursed the day I met him.

Months passed and I was still a shadow of myself, I stopped going to church, I stopped going out, I just lived alone, stayed away from men and carried my shame like a badge. But sometime in June 2015, I woke up with the urge to be better, I prayed to God and asked him to help me. I went to church prayed for forgiveness and spoke to a counsellor. It was hard but I did all I could to get back on my feet again. To let go of the hate and all that I had lost. For the first time in my life I said the prayer of salvation, and then I started to live truly in the knowledge of Christ. I had never really experienced a relationship with Christ, I only just walked in the path my parents led. Soon I started to see the light in God’s word. I was more dedicated to the things of God and I started to find happiness in life.

This is year 2016, I am 32 and still single. I am looking to enter into a relationship soon but just waiting for Gods leading, what’s different now is that I am ready, full of knowledge. No one will take my body except I give it. I know that in the frustration of being thirty I have lost my virginity, but because God has given me a clean slate, I am willing to start over again. I will no longer make the mistake of the thirties, I will not listen to the voices pushing me to do things I would rather not do. I will wait for Gods time and do what makes God happy.

Romans 8:28

‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.’

You maybe thirty now and unmarried. Please don’t make the mistake of the thirties, marriage is not about the age, its about finding and fulfilling Gods purpose in marriage. I don’t know when I will be getting married but whenever it is I know that the best of God is what will come to me.  I will do the work but God will do the working out. 

Divine Deposit

Mathew 1:18. ‘… before they came together, she was pregnant through the Holy Spirit.’

Some say I am waiting for Mr. Right, some say I am waiting for the right time, some say I am waiting for the right opportunity. There’s no harm in waiting but how are you waiting, empty or filled?

Before you are found, before someone comes around, before an opportunity comes knocking, you need to ask yourself what deposit is in me? Before Joseph deposited himself into Mary, something supernatural was already there, something divine, the flesh could not alter the divinity of the deposit in Mary.

Mary was flesh but something divine was growing on her inside, something beyond the manipulation of flesh. That’s the mystery of Jesus’ birth and that is the mystery of spiritual rebirth. At spiritual rebirth, God through the Holy Spirit deposits a divine nature into your body; your physical nature becomes aware of a divine process and then tries to cooperate with the change.

Many times our physical nature carelessly longs for its satisfaction trying to abort the divine deposit, and then the struggle begins. Imagine if Mary had aborted her divine deposit (she wouldn’t have) but just imagine, the gift of a supernatural package would have been denied the world.

There’s a divine deposit in you that the physical vessel conveying it is trying to abort. The result of this divine deposit is a spiritual being who moves into the realm of the divine, developed, equipped, faithed, defying impossibility and marching on to a prepared mansion.

But as this new being dwells on earth, there is a constant reminder of the fact that there is a bigger force on the inside, a brighter future on the outside, a bigger home on the other side. So this spiritual being though housed in a mortal body, surrounded by the forces of earth is aware that she is made of a divine composition, a higher quality and ultimately the blood of a Prince. She refuses to choke herself with the cares and expectations of the world; she refuses applause of men and finds a voice for the supernatural deposit inside of her awaiting a red carpet unveiling.

As she speaks, she is found because people who have waited for that voice, that grace, that wisdom can finally relate to her rebirth because she has been waiting in filling and saving.

Eyes have not seen.

Who is raising Cain?

The world is busy,

The seconds are ticking,

The minutes are moving,

The night is dying,

Morning is dawning,

The days are rolling,

But who is raising Cain?

Men are working,

Women are nurturing,

children are playing,

Boys are learning,

Girls are singing,

But again who is raising Cain?

Parents are working,

Mothers are travelling,

Sisters are partying,

Brothers are clubbing,

Babies are crying,

Is there anyone raising Cain?

The sun is dying,

The moon keeps crying,

The rain is pouring,

The wind fiercely blowing,

The darkness is frightening,

Danger is looming,

We cannot find Cain.

For we know not who the Cain Raiser is.

                                                                                                To be continued…

THE CONFIDENT TEENAGER

One of the most important areas teachers should strive to learn more about is how to teach children to be confident. It is very important for a child to be confident, bold and courageous. A child who has all this qualities will be able to say no when he ought to and even stand for what is right without the supervision of his/her parents/teachers. A confident child is self-dependent, strong and determined.

It is true that creating a loving, stable environment will make it easier to enhance a child's confidence. However, a loving, stable environment is only part of the process of how to teach children to be confident. In order for kids to become confidence, they must also be taught people skills and you need to develop their character to create true confidence. 

True confidence means being comfortable in any setting by having people skills and feeling strong enough to resist temptations by having a strong character. A child must be able to relate with people without feeling inferior or incapable of expressing thoughts.

It is important that we start to teach children certain skills to boost their confidence at a tender age.

They must be able to start conversations, meet and greet people without being told, they must say the magic words and be able to ask questions irrespective of the number of people present. These things may seem very trivial, but the truth of the matter is if these children are not trained to do these things, they may never see the need to do them and as they grow they believe it’s okay to stay quiet, it’s okay not to ask questions, it’s okay not to say thank you, and they begin to hide in their shells, they hold back their thoughts and become withdrawn. But once a child grows up knowing these basic things, he will never depart from it and it will help him/her to interact freely.

Once you begin to develop children to know the things that matter, you are not only building his/her confidence, you are grooming a leader. Such a child grows up in confidence, he is able to speak up and even speak on behalf of others.

Along with the people skills, they must also be taught important character development traits. How to handle pressure, sticking to the truth always and respecting people who are older. A lot of parents think that their child is too quiet, he/she doesn’t talk, he doesn’t know how to relate etc. all these things are minor things and the child just needs a push to build his confidence.

Once we can build the people skills and character of a child with the help of parents, confidence is definitely assured.

Ink from a borrowed pen?

Growing up, I was made to sing Whitney Houston’s song – Greatest Love over and over. Every time there was a special event or presentation we would come out in numbers singing the words of the song as the audience would clap and cheer. The thing is I never really understood the depth of the lyrics as a child.

I’ve decide long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadow,

If I fail, if I succeed, at least I’ll live as I believe,

No matter what they take from me,

They can’t take away my dignity …

In these lyrics of courage, there is something of depth that says that I will live what I believe and I will shine regardless of interference.    

There is a purpose for which I was created and that is to show forth the glory of God.

Using an ink from a borrowed pen, would only defeat the purpose for which I was created.

Shining through the eyes of another other than God would only reduce the power in my creation.

Walking in the victories of others, would only mean that the power of creation is too small to work the same victories through me.

I look at the title of this piece as I write and thoughts flip through my mind. I cannot constantly live my life on someone else’s ink; I cannot hide through another’s light and shine through a borrowed mirror. I need my own pen and my mirror.

The reality of it all is that we have the permission of God to hold up our own pen and mirror,

We have the permission of God to shine as lights,

We have the permission of God to be who He has called us to be,

We have the permission of God to be the best,

We have the permission of God to achieve the best but somehow we find ourselves seeking out the permission of the world in our daily living.

You may ask how am I using an ink from a borrowed pen:

When you can’t take major decisions on your own and you rely on answers from the society and trends,

When people’s opinion is the fuel on which your life runs,

When you constantly refuse every opportunity to shine,

When you walk in someone else’s shadow and being,

When you allow people take advantage of you,

When your life is a constant struggle to be like someone else,

What this means is that you are giving people the permission to prevent the light God has given you from shining through and through, leaving you dry and unattractive.

God has given you a pen and an ink: God has given you a body and His Spirit, which makes God’s Glory abound to you. God’s glory is His beauty, His splendour, His very being, the light of His presence and that is what you have been created for. (Isaiah 43:7)

Stop using someone else’s ink to create a remix of Gods purpose for your life, use your God given pen and ink. God’s glory can be seen in your music, fashion, relationship, family and everything in between. You just need to decide whose voice has the microphone in your life, the voice of God or the people’s voice.

Looking around, life keeps moving, seems like there’s a template of how everything should be, there’s a template for fashion, a template for music, a template for opinions, a template for relationships, a template for life itself but as I pen this down, I am reminded of the lyrics of Casting Crowns in WHAT IF HIS PEOPLE PRAYED.

What if the armies of the Lord
Picked up and dusted off their swords
Vowed to set the captives free
And not let Satan have one more

What if the church, for heaven's sake
Finally stepped up to the plate
Took a stand upon God's promise
And stormed hell's rusty gates

What if His people prayed
And those who bear His name
Would humbly seek His face, yeah
And turn from their own way

And what would happen if we prayed
For those raised up to lead the way
Then maybe kids in school could pray
And unborn children see the light of day

What if the life that we pursue
Came from a hunger for the truth
What if the family turned to Jesus
Stopped asking Oprah what to do

So then I resolve to pray,

 I resolve never to hide behind another’s success,

I resolve never to walk in the shadow of another,

I resolve to be Gods glory,

I resolve to be what I believe,

I resolve to silence every voice contrary to God’s voice,

I resolve to use my God given pen and ink to write my name and purpose in the sand of time, so help me God.

LET YOUR LIGHT SO SHINE BEFORE MENT THAT THEY MAY SEE YOUR GOOD WORKS AND GLORIFY YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN.

SHINE PEOPLE; LET’S SHINE.

YES I CAN

Yes I can change

Yes I can smile.

Yes I can do anything.

Yes I can try.

Yes I can walk through the storm.

Yes I can step out of the ordinary.

Yes I can do everything I set my mind on.

Yes I can dance in the rain.

Yes I can be happy.

Yes I can praise in the storm.

Yes I can live a life of obedience.

Yes I can live above sin.

Yes I can hold on.

Yes I can make it.

Yes I can make it through my trials.

Yes I can lend my voice.

Yes I can make a difference.

Yes I can be netter

Yes I can turn my dreams into a plan

Yes I can turn my plans into my reality

Yes I can stop believing the excuses.

Yes I can do hard things.

Yes I can see the miracle that I am.

Yes I can say no to the bad and yes to the best.

Yes I can stand out.

Yes I can be on top.

Yes I can give my best.

Yes I can stay strong.

Yes I can change the world.

Yes I can prove my point.

Because I can and I will do it through Christ who gives me strength.

I WRITE ABOUT A MAN

I write about a man, a fine man.

I write about his heart,

I write about how he is totally sold out to God in thoughts and actions.

I write about his strength,

I write about how protected I feel when his arms are circled around me.

I write about his voice, voice so melting,

I write about how tender and soothing his words run through my veins.

I write about his touch,

I write about how soft and smooth it flows.

I write about his respect,

I write about how he honours and regards a woman.

I write about his faithfulness,

I write about how he stays true to one woman.

I write about his truth,

I write about how the thoughts in his heart, the look on his face and the words of his mouth all dance to the same rhythm.

I write about his power,

I write about how beautifully he shares in my worries like it were joy.

I write about his smile,

I write about how perfectly the curves are created around his mouth even in trying times.

I write about his security,

I write about how he is not destructively jealous neither is he rude.

I write about his patience,

I write about how he waits, how he just sits and wait.

I write about his heart,

I write about his forgiveness and how easily he puts the past behind.

I write about his quietness,

I write about how in his mind he rains prayers for his beloved.

I write about words unspoken,

I write about how even in silence actions reveal silence.

I write about his face,

I write about the beauty that radiates from being together.

I write about his profession,

I write about how hard-working and committed he is.

I write about his determination,

I write about how he doesn't stop until its done.

I write about his character,

I write about how endearing and charming he is.

I write about his imperfection,

I write about how quickly imperfectly perfect the man is.

I write about his mistakes,

I write about how quickly he learns and moves on.

I write about the mixed feelings,

I write about how quickly thoughts and actions are on the good time.

I write about his love,

I write about how contagious, how magical, how passionate, how real it is.

I write about his God,

I write about how he has been blessed and how his relationship has even made him a better man.

I write about a man, whose heart is sold to loving,

When you see the man I write about, please tell him that I know my love gives him strength but he should know that loving a man like him gives me courage.