Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Slaying or Straying?

I do not dress for a walk of shame,
I dress for a walk of glory.
I do not dress to oppress,
I dress to witness.
I do not dress to create an opening,
I dress to cover my privates.
I do not dress fit trash,
I dress to speak class.
I do not dress to be sexually appealing,
I dress to preach modesty.
I do not dress to make the thoughts of men stray,
I dress to present my body a living sacrifice to God.
I do not dress up to entice,
I dress up to inspire.
I am not dressing to fit in,
I dress up to stand out.
I do not dress to offend,
I dress to motivate.
I do not dress to follow trends,
I dress to set standards.
I sacrifice public trend for modesty,
I sacrifice nudity for simplicity,
I sacrifice trash for class,
I sacrifice oppressing for witnessing,
I am courageous enough not to conform to fashion nudity,
I am courageous enough not to conform to free shows,
Don’t get me wrong,
My Dressing doesn’t define me,
But my identity is revealed through my dressing.
And I know I can be stylish yet classy
I can be trendy yet covered,
I can be modest yet beautiful,
I can be simple yet stunning,
And I can definitely be fashionable yet godly.
My Identity is in Christ Jesus
My dressing is a loud witness for Him.
I don’t know what you are thinking when you say I slay. But I am definitely not doing the ‘mo pa won tan’ ‘kill them finish’ kind of slay. I’m doing the ‘dressed to glorify’ ’dressed to sacrifice’ kind of style.

Pardon me slayer! I didn’t mean to confuse you, but are you slaying or straying?

Thursday, 18 May 2017

Mrs to Misery. The End

‘Get rid?’ I couldn’t get it out of my head. What did Olanrewaju mean by that? He had no idea that the baby may not be His yet he was asking me to get rid simply because he wasn’t ready for a child. How ridiculous. I was upset with him but I cried all the more because I had to decide what I was going to do if the baby belonged to Tunji. I was so confused.
I thought deeply about my life and how things got so messy. I didn’t even know where to begin, I was ready to do everything to make things right but I just didn’t know how to. My world was falling apart, Olanrewaju wanted me to get rid of the baby because it wasn’t time, I wanted to get rid of it because it just may not be His.

I stayed in the sitting room all night, hoping and praying that this was all a dream. Maybe someone would come along and wake me up. Nothing like that happened, it was all for real, nothing had changed, not even the anger in Olanrewaju’s face as he sat across on the three sitter staring into my sleepy eyes.

‘Olanrewaju, I’m so sorry, it wasn’t intentional.’ I said as I rushed towards him.

He lifted me and put me back on the chair then he went into the room. I didn’t want to follow him because I wasn’t sure what he was capable of doing in his moment of anger. I stayed back and I buried myself in my thoughts. Olanrewaju was in the room for over an hour, when he stepped out, he didn’t say a word to me, he only smiled and said ‘I will see you tonight.’
Olanrewaju confused me a lot of times. I feigned a little smile and watched him leave. For a moment my mind flipped back to our engagement night. I was certain that Dayo had told him about Deyemi and I but he didn’t say a word, He went along with his planned proposal. Of course months into our marriage, I found out that he had been nursing that grudge but didn’t ask about it. Was this a repeat of the same cycle, was he going to cover it all up in a smile and never say a word about it. I was totally confused.

I needed someone to hold my hands and tell me that everything was going to be okay, I needed someone to talk to, I just wanted to hear the words that will set my misery right. I decided I wasn’t going to work, I will stay at home and find a way to right every wrong. As I thought about it all, I started to cry again. I was slipping into a dangerous cycle, I thought of calling my mum but what do I tell her, where do I begin the story. She had called me every single day since the wedding and my response had always been the same.

 ‘Yes mummy, everything is just fine, you shouldn’t worry so much about Olanrewaju and I, we are super great.’
‘How about the family prayer altar I mentioned. Have you started?’
‘Not yet mum but we will.’
She was always worried about how I was coping but I never mentioned anything to her. She had this picture that everything was rosy, I may not have heeded her advice on prayers and church, on the surface, she thought things were okay.

I went inside to get the mop bucket and stick, just to find a distraction. I started mopping the sitting room, of course this wasn’t a time to mop dry, I just needed a distraction, I would move the mop around, dipped it back in the can and repeat the same process again.

A knock on the gate interrupted my thoughts. Was Olarewaju back to pick something? Even though I wasn’t sure he was the one because he usually found his way to the door. I wasn’t even sure who to expect, I walked reluctantly to the gate and opened up without even asking who it was. And on seeing who it was, I knew my misery was about to take full delivery. Heeeeeee Heeeeeeee, it was Tunji, of course it was Tunji. I had foolishly described my house to him during one of our conversations and now he has returned the foolishness by visiting me in my husband’s house. How was he so bold, after our moment of passion, he had the effrontery to come by my house. What if I wasn’t home, What if Olanrewaju was home, what I would have done?
‘What in the world are you doing here Tunji? Please leave.’
‘Toun, I had to talk to you, you have refused picking my calls or replying my messages.’
‘What were you expecting Tunji, a warm welcome back into my arms after our show of shame. You should actually realise that if someone doesn’t pick your calls, they are not  interested in talking to you.
‘I just need to explain some things to you. Please’
‘Don’t allow me destroy your legs with this gate, go away Tunji,’
I was so upset, upset that I allowed his hands on me, upset that he may be the father of my unborn child, upset that I allowed him mess up my marriage.
He put his foot forward and started pleading with me to hear him out.
‘Toun, I’m sorry, it was a mistake. My fiancĂ© left me because she found out about us.’
‘Wow Tunji, I’m so sorry to hear that.’
I felt sorry for him, He was in tears, I was in tears. I walked him into the sitting room.
‘Please watch your steps, I was in the middle of cleaning.’
‘Thank you’
We both sat down and we talked amidst tears. He cried worse than I did, I held his hands to comfort him but we both cried the more.
He explained that he didn’t mean to take advantage of me, he didn’t know what took over him, he felt so attracted to me and he didn’t have control over it.
‘Even now Toun, I can’t get you out of my mind. I’m still in awe of your being.’

‘Stop it Tunji, I am married and I still regret all that happened between us. Please let’s stay away from each other. I’m trying my best to make my marriage work and nothing will change that.’
We must have been deep in our conversation because I didn’t even hear Olanrewaju come in from the gate. I suddenly heard the front door open, he probably had been standing behind the door listening to our conversation. As soon as he entered, Tunji and I stood up. This was trouble.
Olanrewaju was shaking, His eyes turned red, he dropped the red carrier bag he was holiding, rushed towards Tunji and gave him a punch.
‘Stop it Olanrewaju, I can explain. Please it is not what you think.’
‘She’s right sir, this is a big mistake.’
‘Mistake, it is a mistake that you can’t get your mind off my wife?’
Olanrewaju punched him again. Tunji intended to gently remove Olanrewaju’s hands, but I guess he was too forceful, Olanrewaju slipped on the wet floor and it was a very big fall.
‘Olanrewaju, Olanrewaju, Tunji what have you done? What have you done?
Olanrewaju wasn’t responding,
‘Talk to me Olanrewaju please.’
No response still. Tunji and I moved Olanrewaju to the hospital.

I didn’t say a word to Tunji, He made me give him the innocence of my marriage and now he was almost taking my husband away from me. I was super angry. I didn’t know what to do. Who do I call, how was I going to explain the cause of Olanrewaju’s fall, and what do I say. It was then I realised I had left my phone at home. I rushed back home so I could at least call the one person who could help me. My mum.

I rushed into the room to pick my phone and under the pillow beside my phone was a letter addressed to me. I opened it as quickly as I could.
Sexy T,
My glory, My pride, My Jewel,
I know that the last couple of weeks, months have been really rough.
I know that our lives haven’t been perfect,
I can say that now I know we weren’t ready for this thing called marriage,
But I am certain that we can work it out
I love you from the depths of my heart,
I didn’t go anywhere last night baby,
I was in the car, thinking about us.
I know you complain about sex, it will change,
You know Fresh daddy can be all shades of gentle and romantic.
I know you didn’t cheat on me,
I was just jealous and angry that you would lie to me.
I’m ready to put all that behind us.
I’m writing to you because I’m ashamed,
I’ve been selfish and inconsiderate,
I wanted you all for myself and saw our children as a future threat,
Now I’m losing you.
I’m Ashamed that rather than be your cover I’ve been your competition,
Rather than wipe your tears I’ve brought you tears,
Rather than calm your fears I’ve brought you fears.
I know it’s been hard and rough but I want us to start again.
We can relocate if you want. I love you and I really want to be with you.
Adetoun mi, will you please marry me again?
-          And Hey sexy T, are we having a boy or girl? I’m thinking twins though. Prepare for a party later this afternoon. Love you forever.

‘Oh no! Olanrewaju no, I’m sorry baby, I’m ready, everything is going to be just right. Whether the world likes it or not this is our baby’
I was sad, I felt terrible, he wrote all of these and came back to all of Tunji. I understood his frustration. I picked my phone and ran back to the hospital. I just wanted to hold His hands and tell him everything was fine.

I got to the hospital and the nurses said the doctors were still with Olanrewaju. I sat down and then dialled my mum’s number.
‘Adetoun, are you okay?’
‘Oh mummy, I have failed, I need you so bad right now.’
‘I’m coming, where are you?’
‘At the hospital’
‘Hospital? Are you okay?’
‘We are not’
‘You and Lanre?’
‘I’m waiting for you mummy.’
I ended the call and continued to cry, I just hope that everything would be fine and Olanrewaju could look in my eyes, hear all my wrongs and still forgive me.

I looked up and saw the doctor. This had to be bad, He was looking my way and he was not smiling, He looked exhausted and devastated.
‘Doctor is everything okay? Can I see him please?’
Tunji also rushed after me to meet the doctor.
‘I’m sorry madam, things were really looking up but He gave up on us. We tried all we could to revive him. I’m sorry’

This wasn’t happening, this wasn’t going to work, Olanrewaju couldn’t possibly die, we were supposed to prepare for a party, our marriage was just about to start. I had not accepted his second proposal.
I broke down, I cried so much. Tunji kept saying he was sorry, I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t hear anything, all I could see was Olanrewaju.
My mum came in and walked towards us. ‘Adetoun, what happened?’
‘Mummy help me, mummy please’
‘What is wrong?’
‘Olanrewaju won’t wake up, Olanrewaju won’t talk to me, Olanrewaju won’t forgive me, tell Olanrewaju to wake up.’

My mum burst into tears, no one knew what had happened except for myself and Tunji. I wasn’t talking and he wasn’t talking either. I didn’t want to leave the hospital, I just looked into space. My mum made calls through to Olanrewaju’s family. Soon the hospital was full and the body had to be moved.

My mother-in-law asked that we all go home and then they can get the details of what really happened. I refused to get up, I stayed there crying. My mum drew closer to me and lifted me from the floor.

She gently patted my back and whispered in my ears ‘Adetoun let’s go home.’


That’s my story that’s my cross. It’s been three years since all these happened and my life hasn’t been the same. I had a boy and a girl but I still don’t know for sure who the father is.
My mother led me to Jesus and now my life belongs to him. I told her the truth of all that happened. She was the one who in wisdom explained to my in-laws. It was a difficult time but we all got through it.
I sincerely don’t know where Tunji is, I hated him when Olanrewaju died. My in-laws didn’t press charges, they accepted their fate.
Dear Friends,
Where you treasure is your heart will be. If your treasure is in your marriage, your heart will stay there. If your treasure is in social media, your heart will always be there to find influence.
I know God now and I can tell you He is worth it. I don’t have a perfect life but I have hope, I have so much desire for beginnings. My life no longer counts as a loss. Whatever I went to prepared me for today.
Don’t be careless around your house. Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well.
Don’t be quick to destroy relationships because of rough patches. Sow seeds of patience and tolerance.
Lay a good foundation for yourself so you can build your life on it.
Be good and do your best to be right.
My mother usually says ‘Marriage is honourable the bed undefiled. Lay all your desires before God and He will make life worth it.’
I didn’t have these words when I needed them but I hope my children will always have a word for every phase.

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Mrs to Misery PART 6

Tunji Ninalowo, I remember him well. Fine boy, always charming. Tunji was my course mate in the university and at every awards ceremony he received the Best Dressed Award, He was a very hot dresser. His request came as a surprise to me most especially because we weren’t friends back in school, we just said hi and each person moved on. We did have eye contacts every now and then but nothing came out of it, we never had a relationship or mistake kiss. He wasn’t my crush either, he was just someone I admired.

I responded to his request and he sent me a message instantly, we then got talking. From his first line, there was just something calming about having a conversation with him. We talked like we had been friends and there was never a break of any sort, it was like we just picked up from where we left off the day before. We talked about our days in school and how things have changed.

‘Toun shakara girl, You were always carrying yourself one kain. You didn’t even put your face down.’
‘So you could step on it abi’
‘You still have that sense of humour. Don’t lose it, it says something bright and positive about you’
‘Lol, you and your sweet mouth. So all you were doing in school was just forming, remember days when I would gist with some of your friends and no matter how hard they laughed you had your face squeezed like iron sponge.’
‘Lol, see washing o. You used to feel like one start na, fake girl’
‘You are not serious o Tunji, you sef fake.
‘You know as e dey go now.

We chatted for hours and we didn’t seem to run out of things to say. We made jokes and he said the sweetest things. I loved that it was easy to talk to him and I was more than delighted to carry on the conversation.

‘Hope I didn’t take too long Toun, had to attend to something urgently.’
‘It’s nothing jere.’
‘I see you are married. How’s married life?’
‘hmmmmmm, married life is there o. we are coping’
‘Lol you make it sound like its terrible work.’
‘Hey Tunji, can I respond to you later, need to run something by my boss.’

I had nothing to do, I just needed to take a little break. I felt the urge to tell him what was going on with my husband but again I thought to myself, I had just met him, can’t be washing my dirty linens in public just yet.
I avoided talking to him for hours. I guess when he was tired of waiting, he sent a message.

‘Still busy?’
‘Unfortunately Yes’
‘Okay let’s do this later, Can I have your contact?’

We exchanged numbers, and he promised to call later. I smiled as I saved his number as Tunji dresser as it brought back a number of school memories.
I’m certain Dayo would have been wondering who I was chatting withal through the ride home, because he kept looking my way. I felt it wasn’t his business anyway, wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong.

Tunji and I picked up our last conversation and I promised I was going to talk to him about my current situation later. He wasn’t married at the time but he had hinted that he was preparing for marriage. That made it easier, at least we both had partners and nothing could happen.
I was now a more organised wife. I got things ready in time and I was really getting better at home. All my hardwork was paying off and it made it easier to love Olanrewaju more.
He had his moments but he was a good man. He provided everything and made sure that I lacked nothing. The fact that I was working didn’t stop him from giving me allowance. He was sweet, I just wanted more, wanted him to be calmer and stop getting so easily angered, and sex too, he needed to stop charging at me as though he wanted to rape me.
That night, Olanrewaju and I didn’t talk much as we were both glued to our phones, I was chatting with Tunji but I wasn’t sure what Olanrewaju was doing. We were both in the living room but just not speaking to each other. My phone rang and behold it was Tunji, why in the world was he calling me, we were both chatting. I let the phone ring because I couldn’t pick while Olanrewaju was there. Just as I was about to send a message to Tunji that it was a bad time to call, my phone rang again and I immediately put it on silence.
‘Why aren’t you taking your calls? Who is it?’
‘It’s mummy I know what she’s going to say and I would rather save myself the stress.’
I lied to Olanrewaju, I always tried to stay truthful to him but tonight, the lie just flowed. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how he would feel if I had said I was chatting with an old friend. I don’t know, I think I just didn’t want him to know about it.
I decided to go into the room, call Tunji and tell him not to call at that hour. But as I made my move, Olanrewaju asked to see my phone but I told him I was busy with it. He said he only wanted to check something. I couldn’t give him, I didn’t know what to do. I lied about the call and he was going to find out.

I reluctantly gave him the phone. He certainly saw that it was Tunji dresser that called and not my mum because he shook his head, dropped my phone on the chair and walked into the room. I felt ashamed, didn’t really know what to say and I just felt sad at the fact that this didn’t wear a good look at all. The fact that he remained silent made matters worse.
I think that night was the beginning of Olanrewaju’s insecurities and trust issues. Things got a bit messy. He wasn’t sure why I would lie to me and so he came up with the idea that I had been lying to him all along.

Olanrewaju had things in his mind against me, he didn’t forget my episode with Deyemi infront of the office. Of course big mouthed Dayo told him as I expected. He asked me how many other guys were there. We argued and fought a lot and it just seemed like he was never going to trust me. I knew what I should have done was to stop talking to Tunji, I knew I shouldn’t have gotten close to him but I didn’t want to stop talking to Tunji, we had only just started being friends and frankly I needed someone to talk to after Olanrewaju’s episodes, I needed someone to offload to.
Tunji seemed to be my calming pill. There was always something comforting about our conversations. So I continued to talk to him and then hid it from Olanrewaju, He didn’t trust me anyway so there was nothing to it anymore.

Olanrewaju became withdrawn and very petty. He shouted and made accusations. Funny thing was he didn’t even allow me explain. Given that I was wrong for lying, we could talk and reason but he wasn’t even giving the chance. The wider the gap between Olanrewaju and I the closer Tunji and I became.
It wasn’t like we fought every second, we talked, we ate together, we even had sex. But we were just doing these things, we weren’t at peace. We constantly watched each other. It was the most frustrating time of my life.

Tunji was my adviser, I would run to him or call him whenever I needed to talk. We had graduated from just phone conversations, if it was serious I would hook up with him at his house or an eatery. He was the one I shared my troubles with and Olanrewaju became the one I had all the troubles with.
Funny thing is that we still had fun moments a couple of times but deep within we knew things weren’t right but rather than talk about them, we were gathering up evidences to use against each other, we were filled with so much doubt that we just wanted the other person to be guilty.
One day after one of our usual arguments, I went to see Tunji at home. I cried bitterly and my heart was broken. I longed for the days when there was nothing grey, and my cooking was the only issue, the fights were exhausting.

Tunji drew me close to himself and tried to calm me. Told me how I deserved the best and I shouldn’t blame myself for all that had happened. His words were comforting, His hands soon became just as comforting as his words. He gently ran his fingers behind my ears and they soon moved to deeper. This was something I would beg Olanrewaju to do, and here was a man who knew just what to do. I wanted him to stop as much as I wanted him to continue. So I gently mourned for him to stop but I guess he knew that was a signal for him to continue.
I was tempted to say Tunji took advantage of my weak moment but again I didn’t want him to stop. How could something so wrong feel so right. It was wrong, it felt good, I felt good, I felt shame, I felt bad all at the same time.

As I put my cloth back on, I could feel Tunji’s eyes over me and that made me swim deeper in my pool of shame. I allowed this to happen. I was careless, I put myself in this exact position. It wasn’t about what Olanrewaju was doing wrong, it was about the steps I took to make it right or worse.

This failure on my part was about to reset my brain. I was miserable, I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t say a word to Olanrewaju, he must have thought I wasn’t feeling well because he had brought me a cup of tea and asked me to take a shower so I can feel better. I rejected the tea but I certainly took that shower and I scrubbed dangerously hard, I still couldn’t scrub Tunji’s hands off my body, I felt them.
Days and weeks went by. I tried to be as calm as I could, I didn’t want Olanrewaju to notice anything, I didn’t take any of Tunji’s calls. I was now ready to do everything to gain Olanrewaju’s trust and make things work. I wanted to focus on us. I knew things could be better because we still cared a lot about each other and Olanrewaju was still the love my life. I just wasn’t sure why I had to do something wrong to start the right.

A day to my birthday, I started to feel very sick and uncomfortable. I couldn’t even focus on work, had to leave to visit the hospital. I got to the hospital and they ran some tests, I waited for the result so as to know the drugs I would need. Nothing in the entire world prepared me for the news that met my ears.
‘Congratulations Madam, you are six weeks pregnant.’

Without a word, without care, I burst into tears, I was practically wailing. I wasn’t crying because Olanrewaju had insisted that we do not have babies immediately and we had cut his three years plan to two years. I wasn’t crying because a part of me didn’t want to have a child yet. I wasn’t crying because I dint know how Olanrewaju will take it, I was crying at the possibility that Tunji might be the father of my unborn child.

It was all over. I didn’t go back to the office, I went home to drown myself in my misery. Nothing was ever supposed to happen with Tunji. He was just supposed to stay my friend, someone I could talk to.
As soon as I heard Olanrewaju come in, I didn’t even know what to do, I tried to dry my tears but they just kept flowing, I couldn’t control myself.

‘Adetoun, are you okay? Did something happen? Why are you crying?
I raised my voice and cried the more.

‘Talk to me dear, what is wrong?
‘I am pregnant Olanrewaju, I found out today.’
‘Get rid of it.’ Olanrewaju looked at me for a final time that night and walked out of the house.

  • ·         Avoid grudges, don’t keep record of your partner’s wrongs. Talk about your issues
  • ·         If you start to feel too comfortable with someone other than your man. RUN
  • ·         Passion and Sexual desires can spring up anywhere and anytime. Don’t always think you are strong enough.
  • ·         That you have issues with your partner doesn’t mean that you are out of love, it is just a natural phase.
  • ·         Don’t run into the hands of a waiting devourer, find contentment in your home.
  • ·         Once you start lying, you should always start getting scared.

Tuesday, 16 May 2017


…… That night, Olanrewaju and I didn’t share our bed, we argued for over three hours but none of us was willing to compromise, we both wanted what we wanted. He was the one who broke the silence.

‘Adetoun, the sooner you start getting used to it, the better for you. I’m not going to invite strangers into our home to allow my lazy wife stay happy. No way’
His eyes were red and full, he was so upset that he just said the things that came to his mind without taking caution. I wasn’t willing to keep calm either, this wasn’t what we agreed. I know we didn’t agree anything though, but this wasn’t what was happening during our relationship day. How was I supposed to just adjust and move on with hard labour. Ko jo rara.

‘Olanrewaju, I don’t think this idea of yours is going to work at all, even if we don’t have permanent ones, let’s do part time for a start, so that the work is reduced.’
‘Mummy of the house, we do not need domestic staff and that’s final. If you insist however, you will need to choose between your husband and domestic staff.’
Please o, Ki la gbe? Ki le ju? (It isn’t up to that). I don’t like to hear the word divorce. That things scares me like a plague. Even if divorce was going to come into question not four days after wedding, that would be record breaking. I can’t even divorce, I was a marriage minister on social media, always giving quotes about sticking together no matter what, and how love can turn everything around. If I ever come back into this world, I don’t need anyone to tell me to always look beyond the surface.

I just could not divorce, it wasn’t even because of Olanrewaju, he was getting on my last nerve but for the sake of my social media followers, I cannot fall hands and break hearts.
‘Olanrewaju we are just four days into our marriage and you are already talking divorce.’
‘Adetoun, I only plead with you to respect our marriage. Good night’
He stormed out of the living room, leaving me to worry about all the problems before us. I sat on the couch and played a video of the coming days in my mind. We haven’t even started and trouble is already looming. Arguments and fights since we got back from the moon. The last time he called me sexy T was at the hotel, I guess there’s nothing sexy about anger afterall.
I must have slept off on the couch because the sound of rain, woke me. It was exactly 9am, I walked to the front door and looked through the window, Olanrewaju had left for work without saying a word to me. I walked into the rain and just sat there crying. It wasn’t even about the chores anymore, it was now about the fact that I was emotionally stressed. Olanrewaju and I were arguing and fighting too much and all of these was getting to me. Olanrewaju was breaking my heart by being so disrespectful and insensitive to my needs. It was a good thing I had few days before resumption, I made up my mind to try the best that I could to make things work.

I went into the room, unpacked and sorted out the dirty clothes. I started to work, it was exhausting. I realised that mop drying wasn’t so easy afterall. I was always shouting at Mama Ibeji to mop dry so I wouldn’t slip, now I was in the same shoes and it really just seemed easier to squeeze a little and mop rather than use all my strength and spend another five minutes squeezing the mop before cleaning.

I tried to do all I could, at some point I crashed and slept for two straight hours. I’ve never had to do that much work all at once. Mopping, sweeping, washing, scrubbing the toilets, laying the bed, I tried I really did. Even though I had to wait an extra thirty minutes for the floor to get dried before walking around the house. The most important thing was that I got the work done.
I finished cleaning at about 5pm, I totally forgot about food, the work was the most important thing. I decided to rest a little before going to the market. Unfortunately, my rest turned into doze, and finally into sleep. I must have slept for another two hours. Because when I opened my eyes, Olanrewaju was standing infront of me. I jumped up and gave him a big hug. I was so happy to see him and I was hoping that my cleaning exercise would at least make him happy.

‘I see you’ve cleaned up. That’s what I’m talking about. It isn’t so hard dear, once you begin, it just gets better.’
‘ehn ehn, okay o’
‘I’m sorry I was hard on you earlier, you know I love you.’
‘I love you too’

He hugged me tightly and kissed my forehead. I felt safe again in his arms, I was happy that we were getting back and we could definitely work things out.
As he sat down, he asked about food and it was at that point I realised that I had not gone to the market before sleep took over me.

‘Sweetheart I’m famished. Any delicacy for the boy.’
‘Olanrewaju I’m so sorry, I lost track of time trying to get the house perfect and forgot to make food.’
‘Adetoun you definitely need to get these things put together, seems you don’t know the last thing about managing a home. I don’t understand how food is the last thing you think about.’
‘I’m sorry please let me try and fix something’
‘Don’t worry, that will be too late.’

He got up and walked out of the house. I knew where he was going. The usual spot where we had dinner when we were dating. I was relieved that there was a readymade option but I was upset that he was being so insensitive, with all the work I had done, he was getting upset over a plate of food. Na wa, I was a little worried he would stay out late since he sounded angry but to my surprise, he came back not long after he left with food.

I thought that was really sweet. We ate together and he told me he didn’t want us eating out. He said since he was married now, it would seem irresponsible if he drops by the eatery all the time.

‘Abi mummy cannot cook?’
‘Of course I can, I just got carried away and you know I’m new to this territory, I’m trying my best jo.’
‘We are in this together, we should stop fighting, we can make it work.’

I wasn’t a bad cook I guess, it just wasn’t something I liked to do. It always seemed like too much work. But when I didn’t have a choice, I cooked. Although there are some meals I dread, Amala was a disaster, Amala and its white friend Semovita, Semovita is a lot easier than Amala but then I never got it right. It was always kokoful (full of lumps), My Okro was like Quaker oats, never drawing always sleeping. Then jollof rice that one will just starting burning before I put maggi. But my cooking must become great for Olarewaju, we had to fix every cooking error.

I started adjusting to my new status and I was determined to make it work, I spent hours on google learning to cook, Dooney’s kitchen always to the rescue. I knew it was going to be a lot of work but I was willing to put extra effort.

I was back to work and I tried all my best to balance work and home. Things were getting better at least, we no longer had frequent fights, just little complaints about cooking and sleeping way too much. Sleep was important to me. Saturdays and Sundays were life, I would sleep in till 11am or 12pm sometimes and that was a big problem now that I had a home to run. But I was working on it. Olanrewaju will put my phone volume to the highest, place it by my pillow and make sure it wakes me up. That was working well and things were getting better in that regard.
I wasn’t so bad afterall just a few things I had to fix and we were definitely getting there. Nothing is impossible if we can set our minds to it and decide to be a better version. Slowly but surely.

We were months into our marriage and even though it had not been perfect, it wasn’t as bad as the beginning. Things were better, except for Olanrewaju’s hurtful words sometimes and stubborn nature. Once Olanrewaju got angry, He would just talk and say very mean things. There was a day he insinuated that I was cheating on him because I told him I wasn’t enjoying sex anymore. Olanrewaju kept up his quick and aggressive sex episodes. There was nothing sweet, soft and romantic about love making.

‘Babe can you be gentle please, this isn’t fun anymore, it’s just rough’
‘Really, I’m not fun anymore? When you were begging and crying for it before now you didn’t know. Are you seeing someone else? I’m not enough for you anymore? What is the meaning of rough?’
‘I’m sorry.’

Sex times had become war times. Any complain seems like an attack on his person and he just felt I was disrespecting him. Because of his reactions, I decide to stop complaining and just go with the flow but I wasn’t pleased.

I needed someone to talk to and share these silent troubles with. I just wanted something better, not perfect. And somewhere In all of these, somewhere out of the blues, Tunji Ninalowo sent me a friend request on Facebook.

  • ·         If you don’t know how to do something, learn to do it. No shame in incapability, It is staying incapable that brings torment.
  • ·         If your reason for making your marriage of relationship work is people, then your working out is for the wrong reason. Focus must always be on the man and woman involved then the God that created them.
  • ·         Always appreciate the little efforts people make, no matter how little. A call, an alarm set for you, cleaning assistance, whatever it is, both parties must learn to encourage one another, therein lies the key to more work.
  • ·         No one is perfect, always listen to corrections and make room for change.
  • ·         Develop yourself, learn something, read something, create something, build your interest. Find a purpose. Marriage is not all there is to life because even in the walls of marriage is where the true test of knowledge begins. Marriage is a combination of many things, an ingredient in life’s recipe.
  • ·         Don’t fling out precious names all in the name of we are getting old. Let them stick forever. There can be sweetness even in anger. Sugar, I don’t like this……, there’s a calm that can bring.
  • ·         When I was going through this phase of my life, I didn’t know God and I don’t know how I allow myself miss God. But please for any relationship with people, make sure you have God because He alone can restore the broken pieces.

Monday, 15 May 2017

Mrs to Misery Part 4

…. Our honeymoon was all about food, sex, more food and more sex. I didn’t get the chance to talk to Olanrewaju as I would have wanted to. He said the idea of honeymoon was to relax from the stress of planning a wedding and to feel refreshed as the journey of marriage began so he didn’t entertain any form of serious conversation. It wasn’t the honeymoon I had hoped for but it was all good.

Honeymoon swiftly came to an end and it time to face reality and live the Mrs Life. I packed up and looked round the hotel room to be sure that we had not left anything behind. All seemed ready to go. I picked up my hand bag and the smaller box then called out to Olanrewaju who was in the bathroom.

‘Hurry up Olanrewaju, let’s get going’
‘Okay love, I will be out in a second’
I left the room to wait for Olarewaju in the car, so we wouldn’t waste any more time. I was downstairs for close to fifteen minutes waiting for Olanrewaju, but he still was nowhere in sight. I decided to go back upstairs to check on him. To my surprise, Olanrewaju was on the bed playing a game on his tab.
‘Olanrewaju, I’ve been waiting downstairs for you, what are you doing?
‘Nothing now, I’ve been waiting for you to come and carry the second bag so we can go.’
My mouth was opened in shock.
‘You were waiting for me to come and carry the second bag? I thought you would carry it and meet me downstairs.’
‘Please babe just carry it, let’s go, I don’t want to pause this game.’

I wanted to argue further, but I let it go, wouldn’t he pause the game when he started to drive? It just wasn’t funny but frankly, I was not in the mood.
It took Olarenwaju another fifteen minutes to move the car and that wasn’t until he lost the round.
‘oooooooohhhhhhhh’ He cried out like a child who couldn’t find his box of chocolate and then started to drive. Honestly I was upset, but I just didn’t want to start a fight or argument.
When we got home, believe me, Olanrewaju again left the bags for me to carry into the house as he gently strolled in and jumped on the couch. This time I had to say something.
‘Babe, you should have at least helped with one bag rather than allowing me carry everything.’
‘Adetoun, you complain about everything, just let it go, you have carried the bags so let’s move on.’
‘You know what, just forget it.’

I went into the room, dropped our boxes, took a shower and then I slept. I slept for close to three hours and when I woke up, Olanrewaju was at the same spot I left him, only now he was with his tab playing again.

‘Olanrewaju, you didn’t move since we got back, at least change into something else.’
‘I will soon.’
‘Can we talk?’
‘Yes babe, anything the matter?’
‘Nothing at all, just thought we could discuss and make a list of things we need,’
‘Adetoun, you know that I love you very much and you mean the world to me. You have me and I have you. Until the children start coming, we can get the best of each other’
Children? I was excited, I liked the sound of that.
‘I love you too and can’t wait to have our children, I know that our firstborn born will definitely be a girl, she would add a lot of colour to our first wedding anniversary pictures.’
I expected Olanrewaju to argue sweetly that he wanted a boy first, but his response shocked me.
‘What? First wedding anniversary pictures?, why the rush? I don’t want children until three years into our wedding.’

My head was banging, say what?

‘Olanrewaju, please do you know how old I am? So you want me to have my first child at the age of 33 or 34, God forbid. If I have the first at 33, it then means that our second and last child will come when I am 36. Never
‘Adetoun, whoever said anything about having two children? I want them late but I want them many, maybe four.’
‘Olanrewaju, please let’s stop talking, I’m just totally in another world right now. How in the world did we miss talking about these things? I’m lost, I can’t start having children at 33, I really can’t and I don’t know how I’m going to handle four children. Wow wow wow.’

I started to cry loudly, I couldn’t control it anymore.
Olanrewaju came close to me, lifted me to his chest and consoled me, told me not to worry.
‘We are just few days into this, let’s take our time.’

I knew we were simply moving the day of doom forward. I was just sick. Didn’t know what to think anymore. He drew me closer in his embrace and apologised. Told him he had to be willing to see things from my side. I wasn’t getting any younger and we both had to work things out.
He pet me a little longer and then we decided to see a movie, as if to drown all our sorrows.
‘Adetoun, you need to go to the market to get foodstuff so you can start making me some sexy looking delicacies and taking care of our home.’

I wasn’t sure I heard right. I’m not used to the all day in the kitchen kind of lifestyle and even when we were in a relationship, he didn’t seem like that kind of guy either. As a way of clarification, I asked when we would start hiring domestic staff.

‘Olanrewaju, can I start looking out for a maid, someone to assist with the house chores and all, she would live here with us.’
‘Maid? No way babe, I’m not letting a stranger live with us. All that was okay when we were in a relationship, but now that we have each other, all that responsibility falls on you. I already asked even the part time domestic staff to stop working, for the first year of marriage or more, we don’t need strangers moving up and down in our home.’

I couldn’t keep my mouth closed. No need for helps? He asked the gateman, laundry woman and cleaner to stop work? My misery just began.

‘But Lanre I can’t handle all the house chores alone, it is going ……..’
He didn’t even allow me speak before he cut in.
‘Says the woman who wants children immediately. If you start having children now, I’m sure we would need a maid for each person, Lanre’s maid. Adetoun’s maid and baby’s maid.’ As he said that he just burst out laughing. That was really annoying, I wanted to scream.
‘All this wasn’t a bother when we were in a relationship, you allowed strangers do all the work and it was just fine.’
‘We are married now, Adetoun and that’s what married people do. I wasn’t married to you then and I couldn’t possibly be asking you to do all the work that I couldn’t do by myself.’
‘What you are saying now is that we really wouldn’t have a maid in this house.’
‘No staff at all. We need our privacy, even security, we can always secure each other’

I just went quiet, I didn’t know what to think. I haven’t been a very homely girl and all my life I had always known I would definitely have a maid in marriage. My mum used to complain when I stayed with her, she said I was too lazy and she hopes marriage changes all that.

‘Mummy leave me, I will work a little when I’m married and the maid will do the rest, I can’t die o. Wash, cook, sweep, mop, and somebody will still climb on top of me later, that one is hard labour.’

I remember that my mum and I had laughed over it that day, but this present day wasn’t funny at all, seemed like all I had hoped marriage would be had come to be the exact opposite. My world was changing forever.

  • ·         If you want to be good at it in marriage, start practicing now.
  • ·         A lazy man won’t change overnight. If you have a man that the only time he lifts his hand to help you is when he brings it out of his pocket, watch out. Someone who will support and help you will use his hands to work for you.
  • ·         Courtship and Marriage aren’t so different, there’s just a revised edition. Courtship is primary school while marriage is university. Every stage of Friendship to courtship is a time that should ultimately prepare you for marriage.
  • ·         Never neglect signs in your relationship. Don’t take everything as enjoyment. Be concerned and learn to do your part even when you have not been asked.
  • ·         Don’t just go with the flow. That marriage is next after courtship doesn’t mean all courtship must lead to marriage.

Love is all that matters

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